Are you loving too hard? Why trying to show others ‘unconditional love’ backfires
I was scrolling through social media last night and came across a thread. People were talking about how they tried hard to love their partners—unconditionally loving them—only for it to make zero difference in their relationships.
In the end, they left those partners and their toxic ways. They really thought their love could change the other person. They thought that full acceptance and 24/7 love is what unconditional love means.
And they’re not wrong BUT there’s more to it than that.
We tend to think of love as an effort or a to–do: that love means acts of service like doing the laundry or planning Valentine’s Day dinners and vacations or saying words of encouragement.
But those acts aren’t Love itself. Those acts are expressions of the love feeling. (Or not.)
That’s the first thing to know: love is not a physical act or a to–do, like ugh, I gotta go show love to that person by making them dinner or listening to them complain.
The second thing is, love is not a tool. In that social media thread, people were talking about showing someone love in the hopes that their partner would change. It’s as if love is an instrument that will get someone to be the way they want them to be. In that sense, it is manipulating the other person and also having hidden agendas.
And because love isn’t a tool, love is also not a transaction. If we are in a romantic relationship with someone out of survival or because they can provide money, sex, status, security, children, access to luxury or perks, or comfort as we grow older, then it’s not love necessarily. It’s more an underlying business transaction like you give me this, I give you that. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with that—provided both parties are okay with it.
So what is love exactly? Some people relate to love as a feeling or an emotion. Some relate to love as an energy. Some relate to love as an illusion because our entire matrix is an illusion.
When I play with expanding my consciousness, I have touched into dimensions where love wasn’t even a thing. Love was about as real as fear. So when people say love is all there is, my personal experience shows me otherwise. It feels more like nothing is all there is. I can say that all the while being the most romantically–charged person I know. Romance is like oxygen to me and I cannot live without it!
For me personally, love feels open, smooth, peaceful, and intimate. Love is a presence I feel within myself. This is regardless of what you feel about me. I love you because of me, not because of you. And that’s the true opening of what unconditional love is.
Love is always and only about you and you alone. That is because in your shoes, you are the only one that can feel love. You can’t feel love on behalf of someone else, as in, Suzy can’t feel love of Bob FOR Bob.
Because Suzy can’t feel love of Bob FOR Bob, then nothing she does or doesn’t do will help Bob to feel love for Bob. Bob has to open to love himself.
I can’t feel your feelings for you. We can’t feel others’ feelings for them. So trying to love people harder doesn’t make them feel more love. Suzy, however, will feel more frustrated because she wants Bob to feel love so Bob will do what she wants and behave the way she wants.
When you are able to feel the presence of love within you unconditionally, that is when we are in the state of unconditional love. When I say unconditional, really what I mean is a state of openness. So when I am open to all of myself regardless of how you trigger me, then I am in the state of unconditional love, which is to say the state of openness.
I can hear people who are empathic already say but we must have boundaries! We cannot open to toxic people! It is unsafe! We need psychic protection!
Do you? Maybe for a time, we do. Boundaries and protection do serve an important purpose at the right juncture.
But at some point, as we keep healing, we will open fully in such a way that boundaries and protection feel too fear–based as if there is true danger right outside our bubble. If you are open, nothing can hit you because there’s nothing receiving it. If you shoot an arrow into a clear and open sky, at what point does that arrow stab something and hurt that thing? Well, it can’t. The arrow will just travel indefinitely to infinity.
In the above example of how do you love your partner unconditionally: well, it really starts with you being open to the presence within you first.
If you are open within yourself, you can’t help but love the other person unconditionally because love is already unblocked within you.
It’s kind of like…how do you make the other person feel joy? Well, you don’t try to deposit joy into their aura or jam it down their throats and be like BE JOYFUL NOW! WHY CAN’T YOU JUST ACCEPT THE JOY I’M GIVING YOU?!
No…you can’t make the other person feel joy. You can only open to the energies and emotions of joy within you. Whether that other person responds to it or not is Not. Your. Problem.
So if that other person isn’t responsive to the love and joy within you, does it mean they are the wrong partner for you? Well…that is purely your personal choice.
And similarly, if your partner doesn’t seem to do anything for you—like housework, being romantic, etc., process and heal these energies. Keep opening yourself up to the presence of love. Any reactions to what they do or don’t do is an invitation to open yourself further. That doesn’t mean open yourself up to attacks or abuse. It means to open yourself up to more love sensed from within. The actions you choose after that (like whether to stay or to go) are entirely your free will.
I am Ana Coeur, a teacher of love and beauty and an energy healer helping people rapid–release diseases, fears & blocks so that they get their life back fast. “Pick an issue and watch it dissolve.” Click here to work with me